Saturday, August 21, 2010

My first blind date

I should have known back in 1980 that my dating life was going to be a frickin' fiasco, for my first blind date (and one of my first dates ever) was from what I remember.. a slobberfest of epic proportion..in retrospect.. foreboding!

Couldn't remember the pubescent pimply faced boys name if you held a gun to my head. All I can remember is that he had had blondish curlyish hair and a distinct smell. You know that odor..teenage oily skin?  Yeah..that was him..poor bastard!

Anyway..my girlfriend's boyfriend had someone he thought I might be interested in.  Really now..I was like 15 or 16 and really didn't have much interest in boys (I know..shut up!)..it was all about the horses..they were my focus..oh and being a pom pom girl (HEY..I was good!).  So..I was like what the hell..I have nothing to lose.

The details ..I remember none..well very few.  This is what I remember:  beer, sitting in the back seat, this guy having a tongue the size of Lake Michigan (and thought it was fun to slap around my face with it) and AC/DC's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap!  Okay..so perhaps I am exaggerating about the size of his tongue, but man..he was a drooly, slobbery mess all over my face.  Oh...and there was another thing..that I didn't realize..until the next morning.

That next morning was kind of a big deal. My mom had spent some coin on a tutor preparing me for the ACT test. Not sure why our school didn't offer the SATs..but that doesn't matter. This morning..the morning after beer and sloppy kisses etc...was the ACT.  I was getting ready early that morning..and there it was..staring me in the face..A HICKEY!!!  It wasn't huge, but it was DARK...I was horrified!  Here it was ..spring..kinda warm..turtleneck?  I cannot remember for the life of me what I wore, but I think I actually put one on..what a dope!   But wait..this isn't the best part...uh..no!

Being a brilliant know-it-all teenager...I tried to cover this abhorrent spectacle. If you know anything about the hickey..you know that is nearly impossible. So..mom saw it and asked about it. Of course..she knows nothing about nothing...so a tale was spun..one I thought was masterful!

Don't forget..I was a pom pom girl..once who often practiced in the gym with the squad.  So..I made it short and sweet and of course..effing ridiculous!  I told mom that at practice..I fell on the wooden gym floor..neck first..what a klutz!   Yeah..she bought it...WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!  I so wish she was around so I could ask her about this whopper and what she really thought..and how hard she had to fight not to laugh in my face!

Needless to say when my friend asked if I wanted to go out with the greasy smelling hickey giver..I politely declined.  And so began my dating life.

Yours in bad dating,

Withers

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