MBNGFC

You will find as I post, these stories will jump around the timeline of my life.  From the previous story in the 80s we jump now to 2007..mid to late January.

So, I had been in my new city for nearly two years and really hadn't dated much..but eh... what's a girl to do..nothin!  Anyway, I started becoming kinda chummy with a guy..really just friends. We would chat about work and life and stuff..lunch. Thru this we determined that we both enjoyed hockey.  With that, I scored us two tickets to a Saturday night game...fun!

Saturday night arrives..he picks me up and off we go!  Keep in mind I had no romantic designs on Chip..really..I'm truthin' here!  We were having a blast..the team was winning..great crowd..beer..a great night. As I sat that there..I looked over and said to myself  'Self..this Chip is a great guy..I think I would like to hold his hand.'  Well...quelle suprise..coulda blown my ass over with a feather!

Okay...so what to do now. Even though the thought of holding his hand was nice, I would never just do that..not in a million years.  Besides..that thought..the holding his hand (or that of any man) ..was my way of determining that I was interested and really wanted to get to know him better.  So..I sat there..thinking about this..my brain racing.  With all of that said; he drove me home, gave me a hug and waited until I opened my front door until he left..how gallant!  Of course..my girl brain started racing once again..because of course, we all know that when a man waits to leave until you are safely in your house he is ready to call you his bride!  Of course I'm exaggerating, but really..women are pretty much assholes when it comes to this kind of thing..why must we over think EVERYTHING!

Time to figure out what is happening, but of course it's hard to get out of my own way..dummy.  Well..it is nearly Valentines Day and I like to make cookies..let me do that. So..I baked crap loads of heart shaped sugar cookies and distributed to all kinds of people..OF COURSE Chip had to get cookies..the best ones!  He loved them..how could he not. Not only were they delicious, they were really cute and made with love!

As a couple of weeks go by I do my best to let him know that Withers is interested, but it seems to fall on 'deaf' ears.  Mind you, we are corresponding via email..after all..it's much easier to hide behind..well for me.  Regardless, I thought I was pretty clear..or was I?  Why is he not saying anything.. acknowledging what I'm saying..wtf is going on here?  Time for the full court press!

I still have the email I sent:

Subject:  Okay..I need to know....

...do I scare you..or am I making you uncomfortable..or do you not us want to go ‘there’?    I get such mixed messages and vibes from you and it’s making me batty!!    If I am making you uncomfortable, I’m sorry..I’m very much out of my comfort zone being so forward with you…it’s scary stuff.  However, if this is something you don’t want to try, that is okay too, but I need to know..for my own piece of mind.

Boy..I sure am a pushy broad..eh?  Sometimes I just cannot help it.  I like you..you’re a neat guy and I want to know more..so sue me! 

Yeah..I know..ballsy eh?  I read it and can't believe that I wrote that..and I wasn't even drunk!!!   And I know you're are dying the answer to that eloquent piece of literature!  WELL..what happened next is something I talk about to this day.  When I read his response I laughed so hard that I got a headache and..think a bit of my lung came up.

Now I'm not going to post his entire email for in the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter..all that matter were three little words.....

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I AM GAY!!

Uh..yeah..I DID NOT see that coming..at all.  My first reaction?  Loud, raucous, from my very soul laughter! As stated above..I laughed so hard I got a headache...seriously.  Oh..why the fuck not..of course you are! 

I have plenty of gay man friends...I know a gay may..shoot..I think I am a gay man!  I'm thinking that gaydar in Florida is VERY different than that here in the Mid-Atlantic.  He thinks he is a queen..this boy doesn't know queen if he thinks he is one.  He thought that I should have seen the signs.. incessant working out..the Jeep (huh?) and the dead giveaway..the Appletini!  Whatever dude..

As I write and relive this, I shake my head..still can't believe this happened. But again..it is my life and the kind of crap that happens in the Dating Adventures of Withers LaRue.

Your in bad dating (and crushing gays),

Withers LaRue

Oh yeah..the title = My Best New GirlFriend Chip

My first blind date

I should have known back in 1980 that my dating life was going to be a frickin' fiasco, for my first blind date (and one of my first dates ever) was from what I remember.. a slobberfest of epic proportion..in retrospect.. foreboding!

Couldn't remember the pubescent pimply faced boys name if you held a gun to my head. All I can remember is that he had had blondish curlyish hair and a distinct smell. You know that odor..teenage oily skin?  Yeah..that was him..poor bastard!

Anyway..my girlfriend's boyfriend had someone he thought I might be interested in.  Really now..I was like 15 or 16 and really didn't have much interest in boys (I know..shut up!)..it was all about the horses..they were my focus..oh and being a pom pom girl (HEY..I was good!).  So..I was like what the hell..I have nothing to lose.

The details ..I remember none..well very few.  This is what I remember:  beer, sitting in the back seat, this guy having a tongue the size of Lake Michigan (and thought it was fun to slap around my face with it) and AC/DC's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap!  Okay..so perhaps I am exaggerating about the size of his tongue, but man..he was a drooly, slobbery mess all over my face.  Oh...and there was another thing..that I didn't realize..until the next morning.

That next morning was kind of a big deal. My mom had spent some coin on a tutor preparing me for the ACT test. Not sure why our school didn't offer the SATs..but that doesn't matter. This morning..the morning after beer and sloppy kisses etc...was the ACT.  I was getting ready early that morning..and there it was..staring me in the face..A HICKEY!!!  It wasn't huge, but it was DARK...I was horrified!  Here it was ..spring..kinda warm..turtleneck?  I cannot remember for the life of me what I wore, but I think I actually put one on..what a dope!   But wait..this isn't the best part...uh..no!

Being a brilliant know-it-all teenager...I tried to cover this abhorrent spectacle. If you know anything about the hickey..you know that is nearly impossible. So..mom saw it and asked about it. Of course..she knows nothing about nothing...so a tale was spun..one I thought was masterful!

Don't forget..I was a pom pom girl..once who often practiced in the gym with the squad.  So..I made it short and sweet and of course..effing ridiculous!  I told mom that at practice..I fell on the wooden gym floor..neck first..what a klutz!   Yeah..she bought it...WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!  I so wish she was around so I could ask her about this whopper and what she really thought..and how hard she had to fight not to laugh in my face!

Needless to say when my friend asked if I wanted to go out with the greasy smelling hickey giver..I politely declined.  And so began my dating life.

Yours in bad dating,

Withers

And now...

....time for a comedic interlude.   Enjoy video of a man that would most definately be paired with me..if I were to be on a video dating service....sad.




Yours in bad dating,

Withers

Where to begin?

Okay..so this page has been blank for days.  This..as try to figure out how the heck I'm going to start this thing off.   So..thought I would just start off with why..why do this.  Why not I say!  Actually, I have found out that many of my betrothed friends live vicariously thru my stories...then tell me how thankful they are to be out of the scene.

I have been dating a hella long time.  I'm not great at it, but am awesome once I get into a relationship. That is..if the guy even shows for the first date.  Thru these many (many) years of dating, I have built quite a collection of ridiculous stories and they continue to mount. Sometimes they may be detailed..sometimes just might share a quick up date.  Since most of these stories revolve around the bad behavior of men, I won't have a problem using their names...first names only so my friends don't track their asses down. Oh..and they might just do that.

Many of these stories come from men I have met (or not) on dating sites  I have fantasized about how fun it would be to let everyone loose on those sites with the user name of the guy. I believe that bad behavior should have consequences..just saying.

So..grab your favorite cold beverage, a snack and enjoy. I hope my torturous dating life will entertain you.

Feel free to share the blog with others and by all means; send me your stories to share.  Oh..and Happy Hunting To Me!

Yours in bad dating,

Withers

****OH..Fair warning..there will be times when both the language and the stories may get 'colorful'.  Just sayin'****